Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
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My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.