just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
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My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
This made me chuckle.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
guys i’ve cracked the code
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
“I’m helping” 😅
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.