Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
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I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
🐕🍷
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Acronyms got me like WTF?