I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
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Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
If you breakdance you buy dance.