Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
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If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!