Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
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termite twitter scares me
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.