If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
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y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.