“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
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adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.