I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
You Might Also Like
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.