[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
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A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔