Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
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I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option