Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
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Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.