Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
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If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.