Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
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Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go