I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
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Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you鈥檙e killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here鈥檚 the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Wordle 241 1/6
馃煩馃煩馃煩馃煩馃煩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Ten seconds into packing a box鈥aaand I鈥檝e lost the end of the tape
My kid: I鈥檒l look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don鈥檛 you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It鈥檚 so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I鈥橫 ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.