Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
You Might Also Like
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*