LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
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Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Cardio Made Easy
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
bears
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up