The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
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I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
☠️☠️☠️
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I need to update my racial profile.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
the saddest jazz hands ever
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord