Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
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date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Oh thanks BBC.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
no
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts