I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
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Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Somebody’s lying.