Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
You Might Also Like
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.