For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
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[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.