*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
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[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
absolutely not
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Did I do this right
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.