The Others (2001)
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The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
ok like just. call me at this point
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.