As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
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Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]