Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
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No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
the answer was staring at me all along
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Breaking news:
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”