Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
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When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“