I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
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My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Love thy neighbor’s dog
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games