me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
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… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
This will teach them to underestimate me
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
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She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.