Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
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Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.