Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
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My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
They’re stuck in your pants?
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
lol
I’d rather fork than spoon.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes