[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
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I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
i- i did not expect this
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
This was my dad’s browser history.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.