*eats only grass-fed donuts
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A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Bros before Ohioes
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood