[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
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VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows