He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
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Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
consequences, the bane of my existence
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.