me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
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My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I ate everything, including the H.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.