turning my gender off to conserve energy
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Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.