If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
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Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
When ur friends with white people
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.