[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
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Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Every time my phone rings
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Thursday Thought.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.