Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
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“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.