Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
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You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Jurassic park gets weird
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Seductively sings in Klingon.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.