age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
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Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
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Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.