I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
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I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Breaking news:
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.