*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
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A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
when u come home smelling like another dog
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room: