Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
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“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.