[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
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Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.