[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
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i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Perfect
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you