i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
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not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.