It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
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Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
@ candidates for local office
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!