Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
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We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
God has abandoned us.